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Kids know when something feels bad.  And, sometimes it’s easier to say their parent “won’t let” them than it is to admit to their peers that they don’t feel comfortable in a situation.  When peer pressure reaches that point where the group rule is the bottom line, kids need an out.

If you let your kids know that they can use you as an out for uncomfortable situations you have given them the opportunity to avoid dangerous or unethical situations.

If your child is too old for the whole “I’m not allowed” scenario– Let’s face it peers will be scathing when they perceive that adults are in control of what otherwise would be a peer-driven situation — then you can set up a texting code. (You might this this is goofy, but if you recall peer pressure can feel awfully threating.)

Jenna texts you and says:

Jenna: Hey Mom, I’m out with the gang.  be home by 11″  (which is within curfew.)

The code word is “gang.”  This prompts mom to text back that Jenna must come home immediately.

Mom: Sorry Jen, we need you to come home ASAP. We’ll pick you up in 5 minutes. Where are u?

If anyone asks to see her phone, Jenna hasn’t done anything wrong….no one can say she’s a sissy, or a cry baby, or that her Moommmy won’t let her do anything  There’s nothing in the messages that implicates Jenna or her Mom.  And the reason to come home is not any specific one, so there’s no ruse or lie.

You can set up your own code word, but it works best to find one that will blend into any text. It could be as simple as using the word “not” as a clue that the answer should be “no.”

Jeff:  Can I stay overnight at Pete’s or not?

Mom:  Sorry not tonight.

If Jeff wanted Mom’s true answer,  because he actually wanted to stay at Pete’s he would text:  ”Can I stay overnight at Pete’s tonight?”  This way Mom can just answer yes or no, depending on circumstances.

Who in their right minds would teach their children to lie to them?  No one, right?

You’d be surprised how many parents I’ve witnessed teaching that very thing.

Example:  Mother and Daughter out shopping.  Mother buys expensive purse:  ” Let’s not tell your father how much it cost.”  Message:  it’s ok to lie by ommission.

Example 2: Father tells an off color joke and son overhears it.  ”Don’t tell your mother I said that, she’d be furious.”  Message: it’s ok to do things behind Mom’s back.

Bottom line:  if You enter into a secret with a child against the other parent you are teaching them to lie to YOU.  If it’s OK to lie to Dad with  Mom’s permission, it must be OK to lie to your parents.

The only time it’s acceptable to keep something from a parent is when it involves surprise parties or presents!

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