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One of the biggest reasons why I had a strong relationship with my parents — and still do — is because I always knew I could talk to them about anything.  – still can.

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Can you remember those times when you knew you did something you shouldn’t have, and it would have helped to talk to someone about it, or at least confess to relieve your conscience? If you could just talk about it you could get a few hours sleep that night instead of laying awake for hours worrying.  Maybe you don’t have that sort of disposition, but when I was a kid I did.

When you’re a kid, telling a grown-up that you’ve done something wrong can be a recipe for punishment.    I mean, that’s their job right?   I had friends whose parents yelled a lot, and grounded them for the slightest infraction.  If I’d had that type of parent I would have grown up keeping a lot of things to myself.

Lucky for me my Mom had this rule:  If I didn’t want her to get mad about something “terrible” I needed to tell her I only had to do one thing.  A really simple thing. Read the rest of this entry →

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It’s about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.
Ron Taffe

Hold on. This goes for all of the people we love, we keep them close and support them regardless of their age.  If your teenager is asking you to step away from their life, ask yourself why.  And ask yourself who should be the primary influence in their lives peers or family.

Support through adolesence is something that I learned by living through it.  I am fortunate to have been raised in a communicative family.   I’ve heard people on television, say: “When I’m a parent I hope I’m nothing like you.”  Those words couldn’t be farther from the truth for me.

I always felt supported by my parents.  And I still do.  They love me like no one else ever can or ever will.  Now I’m an adult and don’t really need them any more.  But, it’s still nice to know they have always loved me for who I am and will always want what’s best for me.

There were times in my adolescence when I felt compelled to ask for more freedom or independence.  My parents always listened to my requests and metered out as much as they felt was appropriate.  Which in some cases I felt was a little overbearing or unfair.

It go something like this:

• When I’d tell them all my friends are going: “There’s lots of time for that when you’re older.” (true)
• When I’d suggest they not come watch me play sports: “Of course we’re going — we love you and we want to spectate at your volleyball match.” (nice)
• When I’d insist it was embarrassing that my parents would chaperone at a school dance. “We trust that you’ll be behaving yourself whether we are there or not, so it shouldn’t matter if we see you at the dance.” (good point.)
• When I wanted cool sneakers, aka expensive ones:  ”As long as we’re paying for your shoes they don’t have to be the ‘in’ brand.  We’ll pay as much as practical shoes cost, if you want cool ones, you can pay the difference.”  (I never did buy the cool ones.   Or maybe just once, but I quickly realized it wasn’t worth it afterall.)

I read Hold On to Your Kids  when my children were small.  And while I didn’t necessarily agree with everything in the book, I’m glad I read it.  It helped reinforce that I want to be an involved parent through all the stages of my children’s development.

So far, so good.  12 years and counting.

If you enjoyed this article you might also enjoy:

• Eye Contact
• Love and Rules
• The Importance of the Couple Bond
• What are you Paying For?  Allowances for Young Children
• How Much Help?
• Three Piggy Banks

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Parenting is a lot of work.  It creates a lot of change in your life.  Most of the change is good change.  Some of it is difficult.

Good parenting is important and a lot of work.  Have you ever stopped to realize that your spousal relationship is as much work and as important (if not more.)

During the early stages of parenting it’s easy to throw all of your energy into this new life situation.  The baby is so cute and so precious and so helpless.  How could it possibly contribute to something negative?  It can’t.  But, if you let it, it can eventually cause you to lose touch with yourself as an individual.  This can happen to your spouse as well.  And then you’ll find yourself in a fine mess.

The couple bond is what keeps the family together.  Foster it. Protect it.  Love yourself and your spouse.  On purpose.

Now in our 40′s, I’m hearing more and more of my friends lament the difficulties of marriage.  Children are getting older and more independent, life situations are changing, and couples are finding it hard to come to mutual mindsets on difficult problems.

I can see in hind sight, because it’s always 20-20…the problem didn’t just begin now.

The problem started several years ago when the individuals in the relationship stopped looking after their personal adult needs.  They sacrificed their needs and wants in the name of the children.  They let issues, small ones perhaps, go unresolved, pushed under The Rug.  Over time more things got pushed under.  Some his, some hers, but the rug started to get pretty lumpy and bumpy.  You could still walk on it though.

Enter the pre-teen and teenage children.

Now we’re at at point in our lives where our career has reached either a pinnacle or a stalemate,our marriage has lost its shiny newness, our identities have been diluted by raising a family, our body hormones have started a decline, and our children are branching out and asking for more.  Still we can cope.  It’s not easy, but we have fortitude and we can cope.

Then, a new stressor presents itself…like a sudden loss of job, or trouble with teenage defiance, or one partner’s illness…suddenly The Rug is pulled out from under you.

Remember The Rug?  The one you’ve been pushing things under for all those years, the one with all the little problems crammed below it.  Well, problems are bit like dust, they don’t stay small if you don’t look after them, they find ways to grow from dust in the wind into dust bunnies rolling in the corners.  So all those small problems that got ignored over the years have amalgamated themselves into a big mess.

And there’s you and your spouse to deal with it.

You, who has lost her identity under the guise of being a good parent and a good employee; and your spouse who has done the same thing.  And the two of you who have lost touch with each other.  The two of you are almost like strangers.  Only worse.  There’s some seed of resentment  that the other person is responsible for where you are now.  At least a stranger doesn’t bring any baggage along with them, well none that they have unpacked just yet.

So what do you do?  How do you proceed?  It’s a challenge.  One for which you must find the answer. There is no forgone conclusion in this matter, only choices.

Here is my advice to you at every point in your life.  Whether you’ve reached a breaking point or whether life is going on just fine.

• Make positive choices every day, and when in doubt choose the option that will create your best future.  Live today, but with an eye to the future.
• Protect your happiness and the happiness of those you love.  Do this daily.
• Communicate.  Communicate your needs and wants, and find out what the needs and wants of your spouse are.
• Don’t wait until the rug is gone, start to pull out the dust from under there and clean it up.
• It’s never too late until it’s too late.  And you’re the one who decides that.
• Life is a choice.

If you enjoyed this article you might also enjoy:

• Eye Contact
• Love and Rules
• What are you Paying For?  Allowances for Young Children
• How Much Help?
• Three Piggy Banks